Dash’s 4th Batman Birthday Party

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Spring and Summer 2016

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To My First Born Son, I’m Sorry

To my first born son,

I’m sorry you are my first, that when I first held you, even when I knew it was love at first sight, I was full of so much fear that I might drop you. That when I saw you and told myself ‘I’m a mom’, was the same time I doubted myself if I will ever be a good one.

I’m sorry you are the first, that maybe I never showered you that much with hugs and kisses during your first few months, in fear that I might do something wrong, and squeeze you real tight. That every touch made me think of how I’d never forgive myself if it doesn’t turn out right.

I’m sorry you got here first, that I was too excited for all your milestones that I might have somehow rushed you into some of them, in fear that any delay would mean something is wrong. That when you made your first steps, uttered your first words, and those little firsts, while I was so overwhelmed, I was also worried of what you couldn’t do at the same time.

I’m sorry you are the first, that every little thing I did, was based more on Google researches, and lots of trial and error, full of uncertainty and endless questions. That I wanted everything perfect, and got a little bit obsessed on finding the right formula, and focused on finding the perfect ways to raise you, that I must have missed so many things along the way.

I’m sorry you are the first, that instead of just enjoying you do those very first times you learned to eat on your own, I was at the same time, being that usual neat-freak who just wanted all the mess out right away. That during those times, I was always ready with wipes and a number of bibs and tissues ready to clean you up in every spit and spill.

I’m sorry you are my first, that while my ultimate goal was to bag the best mom award, I knew I turned out probably to be the worst version instead. That I’ve lost my temper more than a hundred times, freaked out even more, got depressed on the smallest things, got worried on every single thing.

I’m sorry you got here first, that somehow you had been the premise of what a perfect baby should be, when I know from the start, you are perfect no matter what. That I’ve always put you in that pedestal and thought you could never do wrong, and with you, I’ve earned those bragging rights.

I’m sorry for being my first, that instead of focusing on those rigid sleep and eating schedules, and those times I let you cry to sleep, when I could have just snuggled in bed with you longer. That those homemade food didn’t really have to be there all the time, and a little bit of ice cream and french fries won’t really do so much harm.

I’m sorry you are the first, that I got a little bit overprotective, and even those muddy puddles looked like a health hazard to me, and those hand sanitizers are there for every single item you accidentally touched anything around you. That when I looked everywhere, all I can think is the danger it can possibly bring you.

I’m sorry you are my first, that while you are growing up, you will always have that invisible pressure of setting it right to be a good example to your younger brothers. That even when I don’t expect you to do that, I know you would still strive to be the best brother because that’s just how you are, and I know how much you just love and adore them.

I’m sorry you got here first, that you will always be the guinea pig for everything, all those parenting tricks, what works and what doesn’t, and for carrying the burden of our rather steep learning curve and maybe endless expectations. That while I feel so guilty testing out all things on you, it helps me become the better person that I am.

I’m sorry you are the first, that now when you’ve grown up, I’ve loosened a little bit more, relaxed a little bit more, and became more confident of myself. That you had to bear the crazy adjustments of me being a rookie to somehow being a pro.

These, and all that, I owe you. Whatever I have become now, I owe you. I was trying to be the perfect mom, when I should have known that in your little eyes, that woman holding you and hugging you tight, will always be perfect no matter what. I must have messed it up a lot of times, but having you proved me that being a human is alright, and making mistakes is what it’s all about. I may be absolutely clueless before, but not anymore. And it’s all because of you. You make me want to learn new things everyday. You make me want to be the better version of me. I love you. To the moon and back. And, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Because your birthday is also mine, the day I knew I was born to be a mom. 

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